Sometimes I Just Let Go

16Jun08

So I never fail to be amazed at how difficult it is for me to have a genuinely missional heart. I can make great plans to volunteer or give money or just lead by example in day to day life; however, each of these is quickly stifled by my selfish heart. Selflessness seems, at times, unattainable for me.

There are too many “justifications” for not giving money. First and foremost, I’m a “poor” college student (poor is in quotes because I grossed a decent amount of money last year which, I’m sure puts me in the top 20% in the world if not better). Similarly, due to my limited time in the present or the seemingly endless time in the future when I could volunteer, I find it easy to put that off. And even when I commit to something, by the time it rolls around, I give/work with a resentful heart. Most any good thing I actually muster up the ambition to do is either done for show or for some later reward.

And I’m a “good kid”. At least that’s what 90% of the people who know me would say. The other ten percent are probably enlightened to the fact that there aren’t good people in the world and those who appear good are, for the most part, lying as their motives are probably like mine. (I say “for the most part” because occasionally even we muster up the courage to perform a few truly selfless acts).

Tonight, in my seemingly bottomless immaturity, got upset about some pathetic situation in which I didn’t get my way. Boo-hoo and whatnot. In my passive-aggressiveness and my desire to have people look highly upon me and think I can control my temper, I went upstairs and filled the sink with water. When I wallow in self-pity, I like to clean–I think it makes me feel like I have more value than in the house because I do more of the work. Something like that. Anyways, while cleaning I realized how pathetic my emotions were–they weren’t even that high, and it wasn’t one of those get-hit-by-a-bus revelations–I just accepted that this was my fault and asked God to show me what real service meant. I asked him to give me a selfless heart that could wash dishes for the people I wasn’t particularly pleased with thirty seconds earlier.

And he showed me. It felt amazing to do work that I wasn’t told to do (as it wasn’t my turn to do the dishes) as a sign that I considered myself lower than them [my roommates]). It felt amazing to view it as a sign of peace rather than something I could hold over the head of whomever was supposed to do dishes next. I let it go. In fact, I think if I ever write a song, the first title will be “Sometimes I just let go” and it will be about the emotion that I’m probably poorly describing right now. However, I wouldn’t look for it in stores anytime soon as I’m far from mastering the art of singing. I’m not very talented. Maybe I’ll rap it? Haha just kidding.

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