How the Hell should I title this?


Ugh… Will I ever conquer myself? I made great strides tonight (I’m writing this at 5AM)… I laid down pieces of me, confessing some of the deepest parts of my being to people and putting myself totally on the line. I mean these are parts of my depravity that I rarely let myself see, much less God, much less other human beings. The Truth kicks my ass. A lot. I’m totally vulnerable, but after having worked through it, I’m at peace with even the worst possible reactions to these confessions. I’m confident in myself again. I have some measure of my security and self identity in God where it needs to be and not in my masculinity, fake-spirituality/religiousness, or even my “normality”. I’ve allowed the Truth to wittle me down to a very little man, but a little man who can only rely on God for his identity.

Cliche as that sounds, it’s a great place to be, methinks. Blessed are the poor in spirit and stuff, right? I’m starting to understand why the first are last and the last are first. I’m starting to realize why there aren’t losers when Jesus wins, because Jesus makes himself a loser so we can win. I’m starting to realize that that’s how we are to live. Submissive to others. Vulnerable. I’m re-understanding this death-to-ourselves concept about which Paul spoke so passionately. I’m a little, itty-bitty man who thinks I’m a lot bigger with a lot more power, influence, and control than I really have. I can say that now. And I don’t give a damn if other people think that’s a handicap.

I’m secure, healthy, whole, mature as my heavenly Father is mature, at least for the time being. Depravity will probably seep in and mess with me for a while, but for now I’m resting in God. And there is peace.




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